XWit

COMIC RELIEF

Ariana Jasmine (@arianajasmine__): Watching people cheer for Elon Musk becoming the world’s first trillionaire is like watching chickens campaign for KFC.

Jenni (@hashjenni): Capitalism is better than socialism because one man gets to be a trillionaire instead of everyone having healthcare.

Vivian (@suchnerve): Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

Buck (@Buck36043Buck): I think I’m gonna repeat all of my mistakes just to be sure.

N’wa Mucanyi (@KhananiShingan1): Whoever designed wet wipe packs where you pull one out and four come with it should have been put in charge of ATMs.

Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould): If you say “I’m going to get some air” you better come back with a balloon.

Lilly Hale (@LillyHale1): Over the years, I’ve become so desensitized to all this alien disclosure stuff that the only way an alien can impress me now is to show up at my front door and offer to clean my refrigerator.

Keara Sullivan (@superkeara): When something is advertised as “fun for the whole family” I’m like you have no idea what the members of my family are capable of complaining about.

Trash jones (@jzux): Me: I don’t think you were supposed to cut my arms and legs off.

AI doctor: You’re absolutely right to push back. You are bleeding out.

Krista (@kristabellerina): The only thing worse than scrolling to your birth year is scrolling to your birth year while someone is watching.

Meghan (@deloisivete): Staring into the void and it doesn’t have any dinner ideas either.

Laugh Lines

THE THIEF

After spending hours shopping, a couple returns to find that their car is missing. They go to the police station to report it stolen. A detective then drives them back to the car park to collect evidence, only to find that the car has been returned. An envelope on the windshield includes a note of apology and two concert tickets.

“I apologize for taking your car,” the note reads. “My wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition and rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for a concert tomorrow night. Enjoy.”

Their faith restored in humanity, the couple attend the concert and come home late, only to discover that their home has been robbed and the thief has left a note on the door.

“Well, you still have your car,” the note says. “Hey, I have to put my newborn kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

POINTS TO PONDER

“The rich aren’t like us. They pay less taxes.” – Peter De Vries