If I win the lottery, I'm buying all the cruise ships in the world and throwing them away....
Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats): If I win the lottery, I'm buying all the cruise ships in the world and throwing them away.
Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau): I actually supported blowing up the cruise ship before I knew it had hantavirus.
Justin Shanes (@justinshanes): Coworker this morning: All the hantavirus stuff is totally overblown.
Same guy August 2027: Yeah, they’re saying that the hantavirus vaccine doesn't actually protect against the new Karakoram strain.
Elaine (@elainesim28): A hacker called me and said he had all of my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
Chad (@chasedbywasps): The Simpsons taught me it’s okay to be bald, overweight, and jaundiced.
Sam Skoronski (@SamSkoronski): My roommate's an elephant, but we don't really talk.
Meghan (@deloisivete): My boys were being VERY chatty at the grocery store and the cashier asked if ALL the kids were mine before looking over and realizing there were only two (2).
Kelly S.(@kelter1): I think the Indy 500 would be way more interesting if half the cars had to drive in the opposite direction.
Lyn (@_ayandamay): Just a reminder: 7 years ago, the world's biggest problem was the terrible final season of Game of Thrones.
Sabrina (@DroverSabr54018): Apparently ‘spite’ is not a good answer to “what motivates you”.
Man of Letters (@manofletterz): No more tweets until you finish liking the ones I already gifted you.
A guy’s father dies, so he goes to the funeral home and tells them that he wants the best of everything for his father.
The funeral is absolutely beautiful, and the son is extremely pleased.
The next day, he gets a bill for $16,085, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.
Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, “I keep getting these bills for 85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already.”
The undertaker says, “Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux.”
“One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.” – Will Durant
