If you ever need to torture someone, for a small price I can sing to them....
COMIC RELIEF
Miss Ally (@MissAlly_01): I'm having a garage sale this weekend.
Please don't come if I've ever borrowed anything from you.
Forward March (@RunOldMan): If you ever need to torture someone, for a small price I can sing to them.
Kip Conlon (@kipconlon): As a life coach, the one thing I tell my clients over and over: you’re not getting your money back.
Purseburrito (@purseburrito): I never thought I was a mean person until I tried to sell stuff on the Internet.
SentientBunnySuit (@SuitSentient): Conspiracy theory: The luxury handbag industry is behind the lack of pockets in women's clothing.
Yikes is my catchphrase (@big_yyikes): What’s a good pattern to spot for someone just getting into spotting patterns?
Adam Sharp (@AdamCSharp): Child praying mantis: Dad, who are we all praying to exactly?
Dad praying mantis: Depends which religion you belong to.
Child: So not all bugs follow the same religion?
Dad: No, son… we’re in sects.
Sgb (@sadgirlyboss): Believe in myself? The same person who got me into this situation?
Yael (@elle91): We should've stopped somewhere between discovering fire and filing taxes. We did too much.
McDad (@mcdadstuff): I see a lot of people out walking or working out in a weighted vest. Is the weight of the world not enough for you?
Krista (@kristabellerina): I sat down to check my messages, see you in three hours or so.
A man goes golfing every Sunday morning and is usually home in time for lunch … until one Sunday when his wife finds herself waiting well past noon with no sign of her elderly husband. She wraps up his lunch and puts it in the fridge to stay fresh, busying herself with chores and growing more anxious as the afternoon wears on.
Finally, he pulls into the driveway and she runs out to meet him. ''Where have you been?'' she asks.
''Well, Walter had a heart attack on the third hole,'' he replies. ''Just keeled over and died right there on the spot!''
''Oh no, that's terrible!'' the wife exclaims.
''Yeah, so for the whole rest of the day, it was 'hit the ball, drag Walter, hit the ball, drag Walter…'''
“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface but always paddling like the dickens underneath.” – Michael Caine
