I have no issue with my uncle or aunt, but my cousin is constantly mean towards me. What can I do to protect my self-respect?
My cousin is mean
Dear Guru,
I am a 24-year-old woman. My father passed away two years ago, and my mother and I now live in my paternal uncle’s house. My uncle’s daughter treats me badly and never misses an opportunity to insult me in front of others. As her younger cousin, I respect her, but it hurts deeply when she shouts at me. She is older than I am but has not completed her education, as she failed her Intermediate examinations several times. I feel she is jealous and takes it out on me. My mother is afraid to defend me because, after my father’s death, we are dependent on my uncle. The house belongs to my grandfather, who is elderly and unwell.
My brother is 18 and needs time to become independent. I am a graduate and wish to continue my studies, but my uncle is against it because he wants me to get married as soon as possible. I don’t have an issue with this, but so far I haven’t received a suitable proposal. I miss my father very much. He was affectionate and caring, whereas my uncle is not expressive in the same way.
My father left a substantial amount of money for us, and my uncle has invested it honestly, so we don’t have financial issues. I want my mother to request that money so we can buy an independent house, but she feels we need my uncle’s protection. I have no issue with my uncle or aunt, but my cousin is constantly mean towards me. What can I do to protect my self-respect?
Scared Libra
Dear Scared Libra,
First, I am truly sorry for your loss. Losing a loving father at a young age and then having to live in a dependent situation is emotionally exhausting. However, protecting your self-respect does not mean fighting. Try not to react emotionally when your cousin provokes you, as insecure people often seek a reaction. Stay calm when she speaks angrily to you, and avoid getting into an argument if possible. If she insults you in front of others, excuse yourself politely rather than retaliating.
At the same time, focus on strengthening your independence. Since you are already a graduate, explore opportunities for further study, remote work or employment that could help you become financially secure. Independence will give you confidence and bargaining power. Speak to your uncle and explain that you wish to continue your studies, especially if there is no suitable marriage proposal at present, and that you would like to use this time productively. Present it as a practical decision for your future stability.
Your wish for a separate house is not wrong. It is natural to want a space where you, your mother and your brother can live with dignity and peace. However, your mother’s fear is also understandable. After losing her husband, she may feel vulnerable and believe that remaining under your uncle’s roof provides social and financial protection. For many widowed women, security feels more important than comfort. It is also worth considering that staying in your grandfather’s house until you are married may not harm your prospects. It could provide stability, and the guidance and security of your uncle may also benefit your young brother.
Good luck!
I am not confident
Dear Guru,
I am a 23-year-old girl. I graduated last year but have not pursued further studies. My family is conservative, and girls are not allowed to work. I am engaged to my cousin and am due to get married in a year. R’s family is educated, and they do not object to an engaged couple talking on the phone or meeting for lunch at a restaurant.
My problem is that I am shy by nature and lack confidence, so I am not very outgoing. R likes me but wants me to become more confident so that after marriage I will not hesitate to go out or meet people. I speak to him on the phone, but I feel nervous whenever he invites me to lunch, although my parents have told me I can go out with him because he is my cousin and they trust him. I am not comfortable going out with him alone as that is against my religious beliefs. Please tell me what I should do. Should I tell him frankly that I would prefer to go out with him only after we are married? I am confused.
Confused Girl
Dear Confused Girl,
If you are refusing because of your religious boundaries, you have every right to express that to R. However, if the fear is mainly social anxiety, then gentle exposure may actually help you. You do not have to go out to a restaurant to have lunch if you are not comfortable with it. You could suggest something smaller, such as meeting briefly in a public setting, for example at a family gathering. Alternatively, you could meet him initially in the company of a sister, cousin or friend for the first few times. It is also positive that R wants you to feel confident after marriage. That suggests he is thinking about your comfort in social situations. You might explain to him honestly that you are shy by nature and need time to feel comfortable going out with him alone. Do not force yourself, but do not let fear control your life either.
Good luck!
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