I’m not a hot mess. I’m room temperature clutter....
COMIC RELIEF
Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy): I used to have a great future in my past.
Case (@Cactuscali1991): I’m not a hot mess. I’m room temperature clutter.
Hollie Harris (@allholls): Me: And therein lies the problem. The problem: Me.
Jim Corbridge (@MrBonMot): Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0. Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 16,627.
Saeqlyx (@swooqp): It’s called ID because “I” is short for I and “D” is short for dentification.
(@Fimiye): One day we’re gonna have to watch an ad before they let us answer the phone.
Matty (@bestestname): It's crazy good luck that everyone who gets married just happened to find the most wonderful person in the world.
Barrel rolls (@barrel_rolls): “Listen to your body.” My body: Touch the cactus.
Midnight Cowboy (@cowboyjeffkent): Based on how I react in traffic it’s probably best for society I don’t own a dragon.
Julio, Marc's Imaginary Pet Monkey (@MonkeysMarch): They say revenge is a dish best served up cold, and they say revenge is sweet. So basically, revenge is ice cream.
Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats): Sure therapy is great but have you ever bought a bunch of stuff you don't need?
Miia (@miiagarro): I’m unmedicated. All my thoughts are organic and free range.
Demitria (@wannabfisherman): I don't think enough people realize we're about five years out from people going to rehab for phones.
An old woman goes to the newspaper office after her husband dies. She says to the person at the front desk that she needs to get an obituary published for her husband.
She gets brought into an office and is asked what she wants the obituary to say. The woman thinks and says, “Fred Smith died.”
The reporter looks at her and said, “Ma’am, you can have it say more than that if you want. We generally do a six word minimum.”
So the little old lady thinks for a second and says, “Fred Smith died. Boat for sale.”
“Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” – Steve Martin
