Accidentally called Alexa “Siri,” and now the thermostat is set to 90 degrees and I can’t unlock my doors or windows....
XWit
Mike Bales (@MikeBales): Accidentally called Alexa “Siri,” and now the thermostat is set to 90 degrees and I can’t unlock my doors or windows.
Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): Rebranding “buying books I can’t afford and don’t have time to read” to “careful planning for retirement”.
Midnight Cowboy (@cowboyjeffkent): I’m a true believer in annoyed at first sight.
Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric): Parents today: OMG are you ok?
Parents when I was a kid: Are you bleeding? No? Then you’re fine.
Mark (@AgingRanchHand): No worries. I’ve added it to the to-do list in my brain that self-erases.
Meghan (@deloisivete): When one door opens, another door opens. – my kids, leaving all the doors open.
Kip Conlon (@kipconlon): The word “can’t” is not in my vocabulary. (I say “cannot” or “am not able [to].”)
Chi (@__Poisonivyyy): I treat everybody like they are wearing a wire.
MisterD (@MisterD78UK): Imagine the sarcasm they’d dish out if cats could speak.
Matty (@bestestname): We are all just making excuses why our particular flavour of crazy is the best one.
Not Raisins (@not_raisins): Nothing good has ever come from me checking my email.
Neet (@neet_sol): I hope this email doesn’t find you.
I hope you’ve escaped.
That you’re free.
THE PATIENT
A man goes to the doctor and complains about pain in his left leg.
“It’s just old age,” the doctor tells him.
“Nonsense!” the patient replies. “My right leg is the same age and it feels fine!”.
THE PARTY
A man walks into a restaurant and notices what seems to be a party in the corner. He asks a waitress what is going on.
She replies, “it’s Tuyu’s birthday”.
“Oh ok. Which one’s Tuyu?” he asks.
“Oh, l have no idea,” she says. “I just heard them singing ‘Happy Birthday, Tuyu!’”
THE GIFT
A man tells his best friend that his girlfriend has broken up with him. “Oh no! What happened?” his friend asks.
“I don’t know.” He replies. “I asked her what she wanted for her birthday gift. She said nothing is better than a diamond necklace.”
“So what did you get her?”
“Nothing.”
“It takes two years to learn to speak and sixty to learn to keep quiet.” – Ernest Hemingway
