Xwit

COMIC RELIEF

Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): If you wrote a book 10 years ago that started with, “...the year is 2026, European leaders scramble to prevent a US invasion of Greenland”, the editor would tell you to calm down.

Krista (@kristabellerina): Some of you never had to pay 10 cents to send a text message and it shows.

Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy): I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge.

Andy vs (@im_all_id): Friend: I found your doppelganger

* shows you picture of the worst looking person you’ve ever seen in your life*

Hollie Harris (@allholls): Promotional email: Last call for 40% off! (until next week when we send you an email offer for 40% off!)

Party Waffle (@PartyWaffle): No, I didn't spell your name wrong. Your parents did.

Mozzy Supreme (@ericanextdooor): Can’t have allergies if you’re unconscious. - Benadryl

Uncle Bob (@UncleBob56: I scream,

You scream,

We all scream,

Because life is terrifying.

Mr.Carter (@dexteristwisted): Let’s all take a deep breath and be thankful that I don't own a taser.

Blue (@bluewmist): You must learn to enjoy life without needing an audience to see that you are enjoying life.

Laugh Lines

DAVE

Dave kept bragging to his boss that he knows everyone there is to know. “Just name someone,” he says, “anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call his bluff, “Ok, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“Ah, Tom and I are old friends,” he replies. To prove it, Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in!”

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“The president,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies. Let's fly out to Washington,” and off they go. At the White House, the president spots Dave on the tour and motions him over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise! Come on in and let's catch up.”

The boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced, so Dave again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I've known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome and assemble with the masses at St. Peter's Square, but Dave is unable to catch the Pope's eye among all the people. “Tell you what,” Dave says, “I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd, and sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

“What happened?” Dave asks.

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'”

POINTS TO PONDER

“There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.” – Roger Staubach