I want to come out of my shell, but I am afraid of facing the world. What should I do?
I feel sad
Dear Guru,
I am a 19-year-old girl from a middle-class family and a second-year student. Guru, my problem is that unlike my beautiful sisters, I am average-looking. My mother often makes hurtful remarks, saying that I must have been changed in the hospital nursery because no daughter of hers could look like me. Because of this, I have developed a complex about my complexion and features. At family gatherings, I also hear comments about how different I look from my sisters. I have become moody and withdrawn. I prefer to spend time alone and have stopped going out because I fear people will mock my appearance. I feel lonely and sad. I read books and watch television to pass the time.
My only friend says I need to overcome my negative thoughts and take more interest in my appearance. Is my behaviour normal? I want to come out of my shell, but I am afraid of facing the world. What should I do?
Lonely Girl
Dear Lonely Girl,
Your feelings are understandable and normal. When hurtful comments come repeatedly, especially from parents and other family members, they slowly damage confidence. Anyone in your position would feel wounded. However, the problem is not your appearance. The real issue is the constant comparison. Being ‘average-looking’ is not a flaw. Most of the world is average-looking, and beauty standards change constantly. What truly draws people towards someone is confidence, warmth and self-respect.
Your mother’s comments are insensitive, even if she does not realise the harm they cause. You do not need to argue; simply express your feelings and help her understand how her remarks hurt you. At the same time, do not let others’ words define your worth. Reading books is a good pastime, but if you want to break out of your shell, start going out with family and friends instead of staying at home and dwelling on negative feelings. Begin with small steps. Dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable and confident, not to compete with your sisters, but to feel good about yourself. Exercise, skincare and grooming can help, not because you need fixing, but because self-care improves self-esteem.
Most importantly, remember that beauty may attract attention, but character earns respect and love.
Good luck!
My father does not respect my mother
Dear Guru,
I am a 15-year-old boy studying in Year 9 at a well-known school. We are three siblings, and I have two younger twin sisters who are 12. We belong to a well-off family. My father is a businessman. He is generous and takes care of all our needs, and we live a comfortable life. My friends envy our lifestyle, but little do they know that I am not happy inside.
My father comes from a conservative family. His parents arranged his marriage to my mother, who is related to my paternal grandfather. My mother had only basic education when they married and cannot attend business dinners with my father because she does not speak English fluently. She feels awkward, as everyone else speaks English. Because of this, my father does not always treat her with respect. Although he provides for her financially and often takes her shopping, he frequently scolds her. My mother is afraid that he might marry someone more educated to accompany him to such events.
I am very upset. I do not feel old enough to tell my father that he is being unfair to my mother. What can I do?
Concerned Son
Dear Concerned Son,
First of all, I want to say this: your feelings show maturity, love and compassion for your mother. Many boys your age would ignore such matters, but you care about your mother’s dignity. That speaks highly of you as a son and as a decent human being. However, you are right about one thing. At 15, it is not your responsibility to fix your parents’ marriage. You are far too young to understand everything that is going on between your parents, and this is a burden too heavy for your shoulders.
What you can do is support your mother emotionally. Give her time. Sit with her and talk to her whenever you can. Encourage her. If she feels insecure about her English, help her practise. Even watching English programmes together or helping her learn a few phrases can boost her confidence. Small steps matter.
Regarding your father, confrontation is not always wise. Instead of accusing him, try praise and appreciation. Tell him how you admire both your parents’ devotion to their children and the hard work they do for the family. You could also ask your sisters to speak English with your mother to help her feel more confident. Suggest gently that she might consider taking spoken English classes at a language centre or having private tuition.
Most importantly, focus on your studies. The best way to honour your mother is to grow into a respectful and kind man who treats women with dignity. That will be your quiet answer to everything you are witnessing now.
Good luck!
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