Once upon a time, two weeks ago, I decided to bless the animals at the Lahore Zoo with the most delightful pleasure of my presence...
COVER STORY
Once upon a time, two weeks ago, I decided to bless the animals at the Lahore Zoo with the most delightful pleasure of my presence. Yeah, I know, that’s a dazzling display of time generosity right there. Please try not to be overwhelmed by my selflessness.
My neighbours planned a trip to our local zoo and asked me if I wanted to tag along … which I did … obviously to allow the animals the privilege of my company and the chance to bask in the reflected glow of my awesomeness. Clearly both my selflessness and my modesty know no bounds.
So off we went to the Lahore Zoo, one of the biggest zoos, as well as the oldest, in the country (the third oldest in the world!), which, I was told, had recently undergone a major renovation. (And it had. Sadly enough. More on that later.)
It was mid-afternoon on what turned out to be a cold, overcast day when we arrived at the animal jail … I mean menagerie.
Bought tickets (Rs. 100 per human person). Entered. Arrived at a pond-ish area.
This was the first fella we saw:
He was fabulous.
“Peli-can you not be THIS adorable?!” I asked him. He paid no heed to my bad pun.
Not far from this king (not a fisher) was a lovely white bird. “Hey, got any grapes?” I said.
“I’m a swan, stupid, not a duck” he replied (probably; I don’t speak bird; fluent in cat though) as he waddled away (waddle, waddle).
(And now you too will have ‘The Duck Song’ stuck in your head for the rest of eternity. For I must not suffer alone.)
Before we could get to any more animals, our hearts were pinched by the sculpture of beautiful Suzi, the beloved decades-long resident of Lahore Zoo who passed away in 2017.
I was lucky enough to actually see this majestic pachyderm during my last visit, and having that gorgeous creature now replaced by a statue just felt all kinds of heartbreaking. (Even if you want to shut off that part of your brain that knows how problematic zoos can be, just so you can preserve your own sanity, it’s hard to do so while Statue Suzi is staring right at your stupid face.)
Next came a bird enclosure housing different kinds of pigeons. There was the crowned pigeon, the Frillback pigeon, the IForgotToTakeAPhotoSoNowICan’tRememberWhichBreedOfPigeon pigeon.
Everyone wanted to see the jungle cats next so we went to the feline – lion, tiger, jaguar – houses. This was the level of enthusiasm with which we were met:
Zero give-a-darns.
The cats – Mufasa, Sarabi, Shere Khan, Rajah, Bagheera … everyone was there – were absolutely pawsome, but the ones in the bigger enclosure looked like they had simply had it with the humans gawking at them, while the felines in the smaller cells just did not seem pleased to be there. I, being me, wanted to take all the big cats home with me and introduce them to the little lion that lives in my room and sleeps on my face and gives me the false confidence to think I can give an actual lion a hug and live to tell the tale. (Fairly certain attempting to cuddle a lion is how I die. My last words? “If not friend, then why friend shaped?”, obvi.)
“I love you,” I told Mr. Lion. He did not love me back. I’d be lion if I say I wasn’t disappointed.
Next we saw the colourful parrots in Bird Paradise. “You’re gorgeous! I hope you know you’re gorgeous!” I said to the birds as my companions wondered if I’d lost my marbles. Which … fair observation.
We walked past the Deer House where I realized I don’t know what a markhor looks like beyond having those spirally curly horns and that the zoo doesn’t care that I don’t know what a markhor looks like beyond having those spirally curly horns because the zoo has not bothered to identify most of these animals. A plaque or two here and there won’t do anyone any harm, you guys.
Then came Mr. Rhino, this absolutely gorgeous beast who was pacing around his paddock all alone like I pace around my room all alone when I just don’t know what to do with my lonely self. (Projecting? Me? Never!)
Not far from his enclosure was Ms. Hippo … or I presume it was Ms. Hippo because all I could see was a small bump in the water where she hid. I remember there were two rhinos and two hippos back in the day, and that is how it should be, minimum. If they can’t have at least two of something, then they shouldn’t keep one just for the sake of having an animal as an attraction. No sentient being should be forced to live alone. They all – heck, we all – deserve better.
Anyway, we saw wallabies that everyone kept mistaking for kangaroos. One of them looked at me and made me feel all kinds of special:
#Blessed. You have a good life now, Mr. Wallaby.
We walked past the monkey place where a lady was feeding chips to a chimp and trying her best to start the next pandemic. There was a baboon that was absolutely chuffed that he had a banana, and then there was this guy who was eating a plastic bag:
Like, literally just eating a plastic bag. Poor little dude.
The otter too seemed otterly distressed, and I overheard fellow visitors wondering if the animals are being fed properly. I sure hope they are.
With evening fast approaching, we headed to the aquarium, and I wasn’t sure if it merited additional entry fee (just Rs. 50 per person though) till I entered it and now it’s my favourite place in the known universe. There was Nemo and Dory and Squirt and the discovery that kids identify animals by their Disney character names. Could it have been bigger and housed a wider variety of fishes? Yes. Am I madly in love with every single gorgeous underwater creature there and want to live there now? Also yes.
Quick walk past more enclosures. We had high expectations for the giraffes and they were promptly met. And the bears weren’t really having it but based on the glimpses we caught, they seemed unbearably cute anyway.
Then we weren’t sure if we wanted to visit the Reptile House (entry fee Rs. 100 per Homo sapien) but eventually decided we might as well. There were iguanas and chameleons and beardies and the realization that I know way too much about big lizards. And there were snakes and other snakes and, like, more snakes, and this guy that apparently identified as a jalebi …
… and the realization that I don’t know anything about snakes, so I decided my New Year’s Resolution would be to make sure it stays that way because no thank you.
With that we were about to say “later, gator!” to the Lahore Zoo when someone pointed out for the 761532794th time how garish the décor was. I mean…
What in the AI slop is that?? Why would a place that has some of the most majestic real creatures that have ever roamed the Earth make its enclosures look like ChatGPT threw up on the walls?
And this…
Like … why??
And seeing that there was no Madagascar branding, I'm guessing DreamWorks isn't involved in this display. No, you guys, no. We don't infringe copyrights. And it's not even a good series anyway. If you want to steal something, at least have the decency to steal something good.
So yeah, mixed feelings about the remodel. The sculptures are pretty, although the snail (?!) and pangolin are definitely … a choice. But the old zoo had a lovely rustic zoological garden vibe that has now been replaced by hideola cartoonish art for some reason. I just hope the animals are better off in their renovated enclosures, and that the folks who run this place do something to make sure no animal has to live without a friend because no one deserves that.
And with that we said goodbye to this lovely collection of wonders and made our way back home.
I’m sure the furry, feathered, and finned residents of Lahore Zoo were honoured that someone as amazing as me paid them a visit. I’m expecting a thank you note from the animals any day now. Aaaaany day now.
