Reacquaint

Heart to heart  

I called my younger self for a date today. We were both on time.

We sat across from each other in a café. She looked around. It felt unfamiliar, almost whimsical.

Then she looked back at me. She was fidgeting. I guess we both were. She was curious and the idea of what she was going to hear shattered me. “You are pretty.” I guess I know where this obsession with beauty comes from. I tried to smile. The waiter arrived. She stared at the menu, confused.

I guess I have always been indecisive. But now I was the bigger person, or at least I could pretend to be that. Maybe she should start doing that earlier.

That’s going to be the survival mode for years to come. I ordered tea and chocolate cake. At least our tastes match. “Is it that bad?” I was taken aback by her question. Was I always that person who read people through their eyes? 

“What?” My voice came from a cave. I knew exactly what she was asking. “Ahaha,” I scoffed and pursed my lips together tightly. Then I swallowed. “How have you been?

” I asked her, though I knew exactly. “Hmmm, I don’t even know where to start,” she said, cutting her lips. “I guess you would like to know what we have achieved so far.

No, whatever you have in mind… we haven’t done any of that… not yet.” Her eyes lost their glow for a moment. “But we went to a big city.

We experienced life. We met a lot of beautiful and amazing people.” “Friends?” “Yeah, friends.” “Why are we not there yet?” “I’m trying. I promise.

I’m trying my best. But you know it’s hard.” “Harder than these exams?” “Haha, yeah, harder than these, because as you live life, it throws some other exams at you as well.” “What exactly did life throw at you that has darkened your eyes so much?”

The tea and cake were there. I asked her to try the cake. Her mood lifted at the first bite. “What about that thing?” I knew she was here to ask about that. “It was not your fault, and things happen.

You just have to live with it. It’s in the past… and ugh, it’s gone and…” I was out of words. “You don’t even believe your own words.

Why do you have tears in your eyes? Why are you crying?” She started swinging her legs and hitting my foot from under the table. She was whining.

I stood up and sat on the seat beside her. I took her hands in mine. “Look. Look at me,” I said, forcing her to face me. “It’s going to get freaking hard.

Okay? You will have to face a lot and you’ll be alone, and you will have to look fear in the eyes, and the lingering fear of being found will hang like a sword. You need to be stronger. 

You need to mend your relationships, whether you want to or not. I want it.” “How bad? What worse could happen than that?” 

I felt her voice was shaking and was almost a whisper. “No, listen, stop blaming yourself for that. You have to be your best supporter.

You will have to stand up and show up every day. You can’t be faint-hearted.” “You were supposed to fix everything. I thought you would hug me and tell me that everything is okay. It’s fine.” She started crying. 

Maybe I shouldn’t tell her everything. But till when will we keep on running? I was out of breath. I want her to stop running from things that hurt, because the more she’ll run, the more her chest will grow heavier till it becomes unbearable. “I wanted to… I wanted this more than anything, but I can’t give you false hopes. 

I want you to get a grip on reality as soon as possible.” “But you? Have you asked God?” I smiled. For the first time, I had something good to say. “We grew closer.” “He answered?” “I stopped asking.” She smiled.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t protect you. I tried. And again, it wasn’t my fault. But I have stopped blaming myself and accepted fate with open arms. You should too.” I put a spoonful of cake in her mouth. I told her about the good stuff too. 

I hope it gives her solace every time she is hit harder. We both moved apart with heavy hearts. At least she had some hope left.