However, my mother-in-law has become very jealous of me....
I can’t stop loving her
Dear Guru,
I am a 25-year-old guy. When I was doing my Bachelor’s, I fell in love with a girl from my class. She was friendly and kind, and we often exchanged lecture notes, worked on projects together and spent time in the cafeteria. I come from a family where women do not mingle with men. Even cousins are discouraged from interacting once they grow up. Because of this background, I assumed that her spending time with me meant she felt the same way. She never gave clear romantic signals, but I convinced myself it was simply shyness.
After completing my studies and getting a good job, I called her and told her I wished to marry her. She was upset and explained that she had always seen me as a friend and was already engaged. She said she valued our friendship but did not love me. I was deeply hurt, but I later realised my mistake and apologised.
The problem is that I still cannot forget her. She married last year and even invited me to the wedding, but I could not bring myself to attend. More than a year has passed, yet I still miss her terribly, and can’t stop loving her. My parents want me to settle down, but I still love her and cannot forget her. Believe me, I have really tried but have not been able to get over her.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I follow her on social media, and know what’s going on in her life. I want to move on, but I do not know how. Please help!
Heartbroken Guy
Dear Heartbroken Guy,
First of all, I want you to know that nothing is wrong with you. What you are feeling is painful, but it is also very natural. Feelings do not disappear just because you want them to. You fell in love with her and thought she also loved you because, to you, spending time with a girl, sharing notes and sitting in a cafeteria meant something. Unfortunately, you read more into it. Sadly, she was not affected in the same way, and that is what has hurt you so deeply.
The hardest part for you now is not her marriage; it is the memories you keep revisiting. As long as you keep returning to those memories, the wound will not close. Stop following her on social media and try to distract yourself by keeping busy whenever thoughts of her cross your mind. Healing will not come from forcing yourself to forget her. It will come from accepting that the love you felt was one-sided; she did not feel the same way. Do not rush into marriage just to meet expectations. You deserve to begin your new life with a full heart, not a broken one. Focus on becoming emotionally steady again. With time, this pain will go away, and when it does, you will be able to love again.
Good luck!
My mother-in-law is jealous of me
Dear Guru,
I am a 21-year-old girl, and I got married six months ago. Mine was an arranged marriage. My mother-in-law saw me at a wedding and approached my parents. Since my husband, K, works for a multinational and earns well, my parents accepted the proposal, and we were married within two months. K is very handsome and caring, and I am very happy with him. However, my mother-in-law has become very jealous of me.
She needles me when K is not around and finds fault with everything I do. She is very controlling and does not let me do anything. She promised my parents that I would be allowed to complete my bachelor’s degree, but now she says I should learn to be a good housewife. She has also told me not to speak to K about wanting to continue my studies. My husband has no objection to my returning to university and has even asked me when I plan to start, as I have already missed a semester. How can I resume my studies without offending my mother-in-law? Although she is unkind, I do not want a rift between K and her because of me. Upset Libra
Dear Upset Libra,
It is good that you do not want to create a rift between your husband and his mother, but it is important to understand that you are not doing anything wrong by wanting to complete your education. Your mother-in-law promised your parents before the marriage, your husband supports you, and you are well within your rights to continue your studies. The key person here is your husband. Do not keep him in the dark. Tell him what is happening without accusing his mother or creating drama. Focus on the facts and explain how the situation is affecting you. K will be able to handle his mother far better than you can, so let him speak to her. At the same time, remain polite and respectful towards your mother-in-law, even if she is difficult. Maintaining a peaceful environment will help you when you return to university. Good luck!
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