Xwit
Kat (@ollkorrect0): Got up earlier than usual today. Excited to see how I make myself late.
Green God (@iGreenGod): I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave me a hug.
Krista (@kristabellerina): The problem with people who exercise is that they want to tell you about it.
Stacey (@skittle624): For goodness sake, hold it together and then come home and cry in the shower. Like a normal person.
Hollie Harris (@allholls): People just don't stop, collaborate, and listen like they used to.
Ghostface Kryllah (@kryzazzy): The older I get, the more I can relate to the Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2.
Jynx (@jynxbby): “Can you cook like your mom?”
No but I can disappear like my dad.
MisterD (@MisterD78UK): With each year that passes I worry more I'm never gonna be at a wedding where someone objects and causes a big scene.
Heather (@_hxneyglow): “How did people write essays before ChatGPT?” So there’s this thing called thinking <3
Trash Jones (@jzux): America in 2025 is awesome. Can’t wait to get hit by a Waymo and get driven in the Tesla ambulance to Comcast Memorial Hospital, where an AI doctor pronounces me dead on the scene.
Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2): Welcome to Twitter, observe hypocrisy in its natural habitat.
Laught Lines
A math professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home was leaking, so he called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, tightened a couple of nuts, and the sink started working perfectly again. The professor was delighted. But when, a minute later, the plumber handed him the bill, he was shocked.
“This is a third of my monthly salary!”
“Yeah, I get it,” said the plumber. “Why don’t you come work for our company as a plumber? You’ll make three times more than you do as a professor. Just remember, when you apply, say you only finished seventh grade. They don’t like hiring educated people.”
So the professor got a job as a plumber, and his life really did improve. All he had to do was tighten a nut here and there every so often, and his salary was much higher.
One day, the management of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to attend evening classes to finish eighth grade. So the professor had to go too.
By chance, the very first class was math.
The evening school teacher, wanting to check what the students knew, asked for the formula for the area of a circle. She called the professor up to the board, and he suddenly realized he’d forgotten it. He started frantically reasoning it out, covering the board with integrals, differentials, and all sorts of fancy formulas to re-derive the result. In the end, he got: s = – r²
He didn’t like the minus sign, so he started again.
Again he got a minus. No matter what he did, it kept coming out negative.
He cast a panicked look at the class, and all the plumbers were whispering: “Swap the limits of integration!”
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers