In a ward in a Karachi hospital, a young doctor lies with terrible acid burns across her face and arm after being victimised at the hospital where she worked in Quetta. Her crime had been to refuse a proposal of marriage made by a lift attendant at the same hospital.
In Islamabad, the parents of a teenage girl, a social media star with millions of followers who loved her reels and short-form videos, have just won the first step in the case involving her killing by a young man who pursued her and killed her when she refused to meet him or marry him. The victim was just 17 years old. A similar case has been reported from Jhang, where a college student was raped at her institution and then blackmailed. She is now dead.
It seems we live in a country where saying ‘no’ is considered a crime. Some of the cases are absurd and many others go unreported by the media. In some cases, parents cover up the incidents. In other cases, the girls or women involved prefer not to report them for fear that their phones will be taken away from them or that they will be removed from their colleges or places of work. Victim blaming is, of course, a common occurrence in our country.
We need to find a way to teach men of all ages and class brackets to accept the word ‘no’. When a woman online or in person uses that word, it means that she does not wish to pursue any kind of further contact with that person. Of course, in the first case, the response should be to report the matter to the police or the concerned wing of the FIA. They fail to do so mainly because of the stigma surrounding such cases, fear of their parents’ wrath, or simply embarrassment. Women need to be told that there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying ‘no’. They have every right to do so and indeed should probably do so more often in a society where misogyny and patriarchy have become more and more entrenched over the years. Social media has made this even worse by making contact possible with young girls who, in some cases, have millions of viewers. In some instances, these girls have been branded ‘TikTokers’. The implication is also that they are available for contact of any kind.
The habit of blaming these women has come across in media reports at all levels. In some cases, women are as responsible as men for making remarks which question the character or standing of these victims rather than condemning their killers or rapists. This has to change if society is to become a less dangerous place for women and girls everywhere within it. Boys need to be taught to accept the word ‘no’ and the idea of consent from a very early age. This training needs to begin with parents at home, then move on to schools and even colleges or beyond. The respect for women is, after all, a fundamental matter of society to function smoothly and allow women of all ages to move within it as equal citizens worthy of social standing and respect. It doesn’t matter what job they do or what social media activities they engage in.
In this sense, the parents of the young social media activist, who have bravely fought her case and wish to set up a foundation in her name to offer legal help to other girls caught up in the same dilemma, deserve praise. So do others fighting similar battles. Sadly, too few are willing to fight. They are too quick to simply end the matter by removing the girl or woman from the situation that they face. This is simply unjust and can have no useful purpose. In a society dominated by male privilege, we have to make room for girls and women to enter on an equal basis.
While this equality is laid down in our constitution and other laws, it doesn’t translate into real life. This is perhaps especially true in the age of social media. There needs to be a change in attitudes, a change in behaviour, and, for this, a change in the role that families play, as well as the role that institutions decide to play.
There have been multiple cases before us in which women have been killed or harmed in other ways simply for no act beyond performing their duties at work or engaging in their social media life that has become so much the norm in our society. We do need to teach young people of both genders how to behave on social media and maintain boundaries and appropriate levels of respect. Perhaps some organisations could draw up a list of recommendations as the first step towards this. But obviously, a book of rules or regulations is not enough, even if it is turned into law. We need to address attitudes and the fact that refusing to accept the word ‘no’ is simply not acceptable in society.
The effort has to be made at all levels and in all institutions, including mosques and other places of influence. This is essential to avoiding future tragedies of the kind we have seen in just the past few months. Thousands take place each year, many of them unreported and monitored only by a few groups which attempt to follow the patterns we see played out across the social fabric and make sense of them, noting how many women face a more and more dangerous existence in the place where they live at the hands of almost all of those they interact with at any level. We need to find ways to make all these interactions safer for everyone, and especially women, no matter where they live and what their actions may be.
The writer is a freelance columnist and former newspaper editor. She can be reached at: [email protected]
