XWit

COMIC RELIEF

Maddy (@MadHatterMommy): You can tell a lot about a person by the way they stare at your mustard stains.

Quvria (@quvria): “Anything for you baby” I whisper to myself as I make another reckless financial decision.

Meghan (@deloisivete): Love it when you get a notification on your phone and it’s just Amazon like hello, you looked at a sponge holder.

Hollie Harris (@allholls): One day you’re young and carefree, and the next you have to take a nap after struggling for 30 minutes to remember the word “colander.”

L (@Ann_Hedonia1): Yeah, IDK I think you’re right, it is pretty hopeless.

- me as a therapist

Weekday Jokes (@weekdayjokes): My grandmother was 80% Irish.

Her name was Iris.

Matty (@bestestname): Princess and the Pea but it’s just the microscopic bit of dust under my contact.

Forward March (@RunOldMan): I just want to be rich enough to not care what day of the week it is.

Alan Felyk (@AlanFelyk): The sheer terror of standing in a home improvement store aisle trying to calculate the exact square footage of a room, fully aware that you will either buy enough flooring to cover a football field or be exactly three planks short.

Nicki (@AwkwardAndOdd): Sorry I keep saying sorry it’s just that I am always sorry even when I have nothing to be sorry for. Sorry.

Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould): Look Ma, no handle on things.

Uptown Schmuck (@SchmuckOnAHorse): This was a really good tweet that I forgot while I was distracted by a bird.

Laugh lines

THE STUDENT

A child is going to his first day of school. He looks worried, so his dad asks him, “What’s wrong?”

Nervous, the kid asks, “How long do I have to go to school for?”

“Until you’re 18,” says the father.

The kid nods and thinks about this quietly. When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says, “Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”

THE LINE

For a high school dance, the head boy asks out the girl he likes. To get flowers for her, he has to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he has to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wants to have some apple punch, so the boy goes to get it, but to his surprise, there is no punch line.

POINTS TO PONDER

“Be what you would seem to be – or, if you’d like it put more simply – never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.” – Lewis Carroll