I always tell Alexa "thank you" so when Skynet takes over I will be remembered favourably....
COMIC RELIEF
Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau): Time traveller: I love your volcano.
Pompeiian: Our what?
Time traveller: Your mountain, your normal mountain.
Jan (@JJSummertime): I always tell Alexa "thank you" so when Skynet takes over I will be remembered favourably.
John Attridge (@John_Attridge): How do I love thee? Let me count the dopamine spikes.
Brad the Mailman (@Bradthemailman): Dear postal patrons,
With the ongoing heatwave, be sure to freeze water bottles for your mail carrier to throw at them when they don’t bring your packages you’ve been looking [forward to].
Meghan (@deloisivete): I don't want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within just five short weeks not only made the recipe but closed the tab on my browser.
Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe): Coworkers voted me “person most likely to go out for lunch and never come back.”
Lilly Hale (@LillyHale1): Saw a fashion article titled, "How to wear white after Labor Day."
I already know how: With brazen impudence.
Sam Skoronski (@SamSkoronski): I pick the crusts off my sandwich to take the edge off.
Benny Boy (@Camel_Crushin): All pizzas are personal, don’t be stupid.
OleSaintPat (@OleSaintPat): “You’re hilarious.” Thanks, I’m mentally unwell.
Matty (@bestestname): You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together.
Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould): (being kidnapped) Finally someone recognises my worth!
An attorney representing a wealthy art collector calls his client and says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replies, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney says, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 to $20 million. I think she could be right.”
The man says enthusiastically, “My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The attorney replies, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
“You're only given a spark of madness. You musn't lose it.” – Robin Williams
