As you get older, the veil of naivety slowly starts to lift and you begin to see things differently....
INTROSPECTION
As you get older, the veil of naivety slowly starts to lift and you begin to see things differently, understand yourself better and change your perspective about the world around you. Some lessons come gently, while others leave a mark with every stumble, heartbreak, failure and disappointment.
Here are some truths I have realised in my thirties.
Life isn't fair
The one who hurt you will keep thriving. The one who abused you will keep abusing you in the future. Given the chance, they will hold you by the collar and empty out your possessions, leaving you with nothing. And even then, after all the harm they have caused you, you will have to meet them with a smile. The scars they have given you will stare you in the face, but still you will spare them the guilt. Because that's how it is. There is no redemption. No recompense. And no closure.
No one will advocate for you
No one in this world is responsible for your well-being but you. They don't care if you cried to sleep, if you were bawling on the floor before coming to the office, if you become catatonic when faced with stress.
When your demons keep showing up and you come so close to ending everything, you have to start again yourself. They don't care whether you're dying in the cold or are alone in the chaos. It's only you, fighting in your corner, for your share of life.
Take things for what they are
Not what they could be. Or what mental image you have of how things will be in the future. And whether or not someone’s actions reflect their intentions. That's the hard part. If you feel neglected, taken for granted, cast aside, that is because they want to neglect you, they take you for granted and you are cast aside.
If they wanted to, they would. They would create boundaries and make room for you. But when all the space and time is spared for other things, only you are made to suffer silently while you see the rest of the world thriving. Never let them manipulate you into thinking they meant something else and did something else. Whatever you do and create in your life is a reflection of what you actually desire in your heart. And if that picture doesn't include you in theirs, just pick up on the signs and leave.
Forgive yourself
You were hard on yourself because there was no one else to take the blame. But you did the best you could, on your own, with the best knowledge you had. You couldn't change the outcome and you couldn't change your fate. You accepted so much trauma and so much abuse because that was all you knew. You were innocent. You were a child. And they took advantage. Each of them who said, "it is what it is" and "it'll pass." And they made you believe there's no way back. Even if there was no way back, forgive yourself for wanting to go back to your younger self, your more resilient and hopeful self. The one who still believed in good things and happily ever afters. Sit with yourself and accept the damage that they did – that you allowed – and let yourself heal.
You will never be the same again
And this lesson stings the most, because you won't ever know life the same way again. Those nuances, patterns, routines will all be replaced. You will turn to dust and build yourself up again, one by one on a cellular level. And then you will still try to conform to the surroundings, trying to fulfil some sort of debt you have to repay because now you're in their lives. And that must cost something, right? Cost you your dignity, pride and ego. And still, at the very end, what do you do? You look yourself in the mirror and see a changed person. Because this change was inevitable. That youth in you will never be able to heal from the trauma you had to face. Those innocent eyes could never bear the broken dreams they once saw. And your body could never accept the assault had it not been numbed by years of chronic pain and stinging.
So, you'll never be the same and in time it will prove to be a good thing, even your redemption.
