Answering all phone calls [from numbers] I don’t recognize with “Hello, you’re on the air” from now on....
COMIC RELIEF
Turgid Verse (@gullyvuhr): Answering all phone calls [from numbers] I don’t recognize with “Hello, you’re on the air” from now on.
Hollie Harris (@allholls): Me: I’m just going to let AI handle all this from now on.
*gestures vaguely to parenting*
Darla (@ddsmidt): Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): Oh, you’re an academic? Name three books you pretend you’ve read?
Matty (@bestestname): Am convinced that whoever designs cycling clothes secretly hates cyclists.
Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould): I could never be a hostage taker – too many phone calls.
Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2): I don’t get offended, I’m a carrier.
Meghan (@deloisivete): It’s always how’s your bandwidth, and never how’s your bandlength or bandheight.
Mark (@AgingRanchHand): Elitist captcha where you have to select the correct silverware placement to verify that you’re human.
Forward March (@RunOldMan): I was going nowhere fast but now I’m just taking my time.
Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism): The Anagram Killer: If you ever want to see your family again, you have ten seconds to anagram the word... “dictation”
Me: *sobbing* I can’t do it
Kat (@ollkorrect0): When life gives you lemons, you better hope it also gives you water and sugar to make lemonade.
“My boss was honest with me today,” a man says to his wife.
“Oh? What did he say?” she asks.
“He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning,” says the husband, “and I complimented him on it. He replied, “Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.”
A wife gets so mad at her husband that she packs his bags and tells him to get out.
As he walks to the door, she yells, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turns around and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey
