Getting a dog and naming it “My Ex-Wife” so my stories sound more interesting....
XWit
Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel): Getting a dog and naming it “My Ex-Wife” so my stories sound more interesting.
Kip Conlon (@kipconlon): You never bring me flowers anymore. Is it because of our acrimonious break up?
Hollie Harris (@allholls): Not to brag, but I walked into a room and remembered why I went in there after the third time.
Sam Skoronski (@SamSkoronski): Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my ankle monitor.
Fat Gandalf (@sofarrsogud): If a baby hands you a toy telephone to answer, that’s a sign of great respect in their culture.
Jason, ex Inferis (@benedictsred): I wonder how far I can get into quoting the chorus of ‘When Doves Cry’ to my therapist before she stops me.
Mark (@TheCatWhisprer): Lost a quick 10 lbs. by just not being photographed.
Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe): When I die, I hope I’m remembered for my ability to sit and do nothing for hours at a time.
Monotone of Bill (@MonotoneofBill): It was going to be called the brella but the inventor hesitated.
Meghan (@deloisivete): One day you’re young and cool, the next you know way too much about electrolytes.
Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO): Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Issybeatz (@Issybeatz_): May you heal so hard you do arts and crafts again.
THE SONS
“I have 4 sons,” a man says to his friend. “One is an engineer, one has an MBA, one did a PhD, and one is a thief.”
“Oh, why don’t you throw the thief out of the house?” asks his friend.
“I can’t,” the man replies. “He’s the only one who brings in the bread.”
THE ORDER
A man goes into a restaurant and a waitress comes to his table. “Hello. Welcome in,” she says. “What can I get for you today?”
“I’d like a lobster’s tail,” he replies.
The waitress gives him a smile and says, “Once upon a time, there was a handsome lobster...”
THE ROBBERY
A robber holds a passerby at gunpoint. “Give me your money,” he demands.
“You won’t shoot me,” says the passerby. “I’m a prominent politician of this country.”
“Very well, then,” says the robber. “Give me my money!”
“If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.” – Albert Einstein
