I was asked to sing at my grandma’s funeral to remind everyone she’s in a better place....
COMIC RELIEF
Gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi): I was asked to sing at my grandma’s funeral to remind everyone she’s in a better place.
ScottW (@jswtreeman): Her: Do you like poetry?
Me: Does Dr. Seuss count?
Her: No.
Me: Then no.
Sam Skoronski (@SamSkoronski): Time to take the bull in the china shop by the horns, if you’ll excuse the mixed matador.
Robert Bonnett (@RoBonnett79): I don’t have a robotic vacuum cleaner but I do have a colony of ants that do a pretty good job.
Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): Happy “I said yes to too many things and now I have to do them all” to all who celebrate.
Herschel Pennymacker (@pennymacker): I love how much curiosity children have. Not right now, in my presence, of course, but in the abstract.
Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau): [first day in hell]
Devil: No it’s not for ice cream, they’re just regular screaming.
Me: Ah.
Devil:
Me:
Devil:
Me: It’s just it’s very hot—
Devil: Yeah no, I’m not saying they wouldn’t also like ice cream...
R (@_rzua): Was what we had real or cake?
Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats): Signs you have ADHD:
- You have +15 tabs open.
- You have +300 unread emails.
- TV shows that don’t get good until 3 episodes in are unwatchable.
- There’s more stuff but I’m sick of this tweet already and wanna go do something else.
Avogadro’s House of Moles (@schumoo): Your mom loves you. Begrudgingly, but she loves you nonetheless.
THE COMMUTERS
Two men are waiting for a train. The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”
The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for dinner and then you’ll meet my daughter. Maybe then you and her will really get along. You might even date, then get engaged. And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”
“Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret – like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.” – Pseudonymous Bosch
