XWit

COMIC RELIEF

Mr.Carter (@dexteristwisted): Therapist: Here is a stress ball…

Me: Thanks but I need a stress bat…

Neil Renic (@NC_Renic): “I’m not a regular lecturer; I’m a cool lecturer,” you tell yourself, as you reference another TV show cancelled before your students were born.

Midnight Cowboy (@cowboyjeffkent): My body type is best described as “works out but will eat a sleeve of Oreos”.

Meghan (@deloisivete): Back to work after 7 days off, so if anyone could remind me what I do, that would be great.

Ritz (@ridhima_z): I love when doctors say “avoid stress” like I can just unsubscribe from the economy and become a decorative gargoyle.

Chris (@citehchris): I’d walk over and introduce myself to the elephant and make them feel welcomed in the room.

Hera (@shiningdaisies): Top reasons to do something:

1. Funsies

2. Spite

Terri (@terrip38): The return I made at the store went as smoothly as possible but it failed to supply snarky tweet material so pluses and minuses.

Medusa (@Gorgon_Girl): I’m just out here with my cellphone flashlight looking for myself.

Natalie Would (@_NatalieWould): Due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis.

Slim Plimsoll (@slimplimsoll): I’ve decided to give up tweeting for good, and from now on will only be tweeting for evil.

Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2): I know what tweets you deleted last summer.

LAUGH LINES

THE RUN

A local football team was having a terrible season and hadn’t won a single game for three whole months. Their manager aired his frustration with his friend. “No matter what we do,” he moaned, “the team just can’t seem to score!”

“Well…” his friend suggested, “why don’t you send the whole squad out for a ten-mile run every day?”

“How will that help?” asked the manager.

“See,” replied the friend. “Today’s Saturday. By next Friday they’ll be 60 miles away and you won’t have to deal with them.”

POINTS TO PONDER

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” – Spike Milligan